We do it every day. Lay our little ones down for a nap, quietly close their bedroom door, and usher in an afternoon brimming with possibilities
Because for the next two hours, the world (or, more accurately, my house) is my oyster. With a sleeping child, I can be the pinnacle of productivity. I can fold every scrap of laundry, de-crustify each leftover breakfast dish and even have time left over before the school bus arrives to meal plan for the next four to six weeks.
Sure, I could.
Yet for some reason, one that I firmly believe is a direct result of evolution and not my supreme laziness, somewhere between the click of my son’s bedroom door and the first step I take out into the hallway, I lose all momentum. It’s as if some lecherous, energy-drinking vampire latches itself on to my neck, sucks out every last ounce of my desire to be a contributing member of society and replaces it with an immediate and insatiable need to check BuzzFeed.
So instead of meal planning and folding laundry during nap time, I find myself doing things like:
Clicking. And Clicking. And Clicking.
I once (and by once I mean this very afternoon) clicked through 16 slides on some website I found on the bottom of a Huffington Post article, to try to see Pierce Brosnon’s second wife’s shocking 105 lbs. weight loss.
I didn’t even know he had a second wife.
But I clicked. And clicked. And clicked. And while I clicked, I kept getting madder and madder at myself for letting this website trick me into giving it more and more clicks, but I still kept right on clicking and clicking.
Never did get to see that shocking transformation. After eight or nine minutes I said, “Screw this.”
A girl’s got to have a little self-respect.
Eating a snack, because I deserve it.
I do! I’ve been awake ALL day! Doing stuff. And then driving places. And then, like, doing some other things. I absolutely, unequivocally deserve a little treat.
And, like what’s the point of having a little treat if you don’t watch just a teensy bit of TV while you’re enjoying it? And if I happen to finish my snack before my show ends, it only makes sense that I should get a tiny bit more snack, just so I can finish up just this one episode of Frasier.
It’s possible that I might get a little too much snack, but it totally evens out, because I just turned on one more quick episode, so I’ll have some time to finish it.
It’s all about balance, you see.
Falling dead asleep.
You know that sleep where you almost choke on your own tongue because you passed out so hard, with your head flopped back against the couch.
But listen, my kids are 6 and 3. Sure they’re tiring at times, but I have no excuse to be taking a 2pm siesta, like some study abroad co-ed during her first semester in Spain. Back when my kiddos were infants and toddlers, I would take a solid three-hour nap and make zero apologies, but now – dang, I just feel like I’m pretty much mailing it in.
But today is going to be different.
Today, I have brought all these little nap time idiosyncracies to light and now that I’ve identified them, I can begin to make big changes. Today, I am going to attack my to-do list like Dr. Derek Shepard attacks a malignant brain tumor.
Today – dang. He’s up.