It’s been a long time since I’ve spent any real quality time out at a bar with my girlfriends. I would be hard pressed to remember the last time I woke up with my hair reeking of second-hand smoke and my teeth wearing fuzzy little beer sweaters.

There’s no real mystery as to why – bars kinda suck. They’re loud, smelly and generally speaking, pretty sticky. And as a girlfriend of mine pointed out, after recently spending a night watching 20-somethings flit around showing off their stretch-mark free bellies, it just isn’t fun to be relegated to the background.

So I had this idea. What if, we opened a bar just for mothers? And friends of mothers, who’ve adopted our lifestyle rituals and abide by our strict motherhood dogma? You’re on board? Great. Let’s start by writing up the basics…

1. No jeans.

Or slacks. Or dresses. Or corduroys. Sweatpants are strongly encouraged, although yoga pants and pajama bottoms are also welcome. Coming straight from the office? No problem, the maître d’ will be happy to show you to our back lounge, where you can slip into something a little more comfortable.

2. Pumping Stations

Lactating mommies need a night out too! So you don’t have to miss a minute of the action, our easy-to-use, hands-free lactation stations are situated right at the bar. Fully steam-sanitized between uses, we offer a wide variety of pumps to choose from, as well as your choice of breast milk storage bags. And don’t worry about hurrying home right after you pump, our bartending staff, which features only John Krasinski and Jake Johnson look-a-likes, will be happy to freeze your goods for you behind the bar while you dance the night away.

3. Time Travel

The Mom Clock, is one of The Bamboob Lounges most beloved features. To keep you fresh as a daisy for your 6am wake up call, all clocks at The Bamboob Lounge are set to run double time. You may think you’re stumbling out the door at 2am, but don’t worry – it’s only midnight!

4. Not your typical 2-for-1’s

Because we know that when you order a Peanut Butter Milk Stout, you definitely don’t want another Peanut Butter Milk Stout at the exact same time, we’ve come up with a slightly different concept. At The Bamboob Lounge our 2-for-1’s take that second, soon-to-be lukewarm beer and turn it into… a snack! And not just your typical bar fare of reheated mozzarella sticks and jalapeño poppers (but much respect to those totally awesome snacks). At The Bamboob Lounge we are proud to feature delicacies from that day’s episode of Barefoot Contessa and Everyday Italian. Bring on the frittatas!

5. BMI

No, we’re not going to make you step on a scale, but if you don’t have at least a whiff of a muffin top, you might enjoy yourself more at an establishment that plays a little less Megan Trainor and a little more Deathmau5.

This looks like a great jumping off place ladies. All we need now is a little brick and mortar… and like a zillion dollars. Who’s in!?

 

(EDITOR’S NOTE: Apparently it’s “Deadmau5.” A friend was kind enough to correct me. I feel this serves to validate my claim that I don’t need to be hanging out anywhere that features a club DJ.)