The Top 21 Things Every New Parent Needs to Know

Since becoming a mother for the second time, I’m really starting to feel like I’ve got this whole parenting thing down. So for all you newbie parents or parents-to-be out there, here’s a list of all the parenting advice I’ve collected over the last several years. I firmly believe that if you follow these tips to the letter, your kids will turn out exactly how you want them to – without fail.

1. Let your baby arrive when he’s ready, but be sure to go into labor exactly on your due date. You don’t want to compromise the integrity of your placenta.

2. Have a natural birthing experience, but don’t stress your baby by experiencing too much pain during labor.

3. Circumsizse your son if you’re worried about infection. Or don’t if you’re not worried about ages 12-22.

4. Breastfeed as long as you can, but not for too long because that’s super weird.

5. Co-sleep, but definitely put your baby by himself in a crib.

6. Always swaddle your baby, but make sure his arms and legs are free to move about during the night.

7. Never wake a sleeping baby, unless it’s time to wake him up to eat or change a diaper or go somewhere.

8. Don’t watch TV with your baby, unless you’re bored, which you won’t be, unless you’re a bad person.

9. Let your baby cry it out, but not if it upsets him.

10. Start potty training at exactly 2-years-old, but stop immediately if he wets his pants.

11. Never limit your child, but set clear cut boundaries.

12.  Take your child to the doctor at the first sign of illness, but never use antibiotics.

13. Use a pacifier, but make sure your child can self-soothe.

14. Don’t compare your child to others, unless he’s ahead of the curve. Or behind it.

15. Teach your baby sign, but only use verbal language.

16. Spank, but never use physical discipline.

17. Watch your child at every moment, but don’t hover.

18. Feed your child only locally sourced goods, but be sure to shop at Costco.

19. Spare no expense, but start saving for college yesterday.

20. Only buy Pampers, unless you like Huggies. Or Luvs. Or cloth.

21. Know that there is nothing you can do to make your child turn out exactly as you planned.  No matter what the internet says.

 

Am I forgetting anything? Remind me in the comments!

 

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