It’s a quiet day around here. The Patriot’s Super Bowl victory is still looming large and I am in a Gronk-like fog from the linebacker-worthy amount of snacks I’ve consumed in the last 24 hours. It is no exaggeration to say that I scarfed everything from cannolis to seaweed during the game last night – and due to the subsequent bloating I’m feeling, there are a couple of things I’d like to get off my chest. You know, to release the pressure.
Hey, it’s better than farting.
Often when I have a quiet moment or two to myself (which I usually can garner in the bathroom, sometime between the time I start and stop peeing), I find my mind wandering to the existential. To those deep questions that plague each of us and keep us up at night. So, in order to relieve some of my sleepless nights and add to yours, I thought I would pose some of my quandaries to you, in the hopes that together, we might be able to solve some of the universe’s big questions.
So here we go:
1. How do I get credit for the steps I take while I’m looking for my Fitbit?
2. Where is all my underwear? Because I’m not in the habit of throwing away perfectly good granny panties, and there are definitely some Hanes Her Way missing from my sock drawer.
3. Why does my current iPhone start to self-destruct as soon as a new iPhone hits the market? I AM ON TO YOU APPLE!
4. What are flight attendants doing with the rest of my soda?
5. Where do boogers go? Oh, don’t act all confused, you know you’ve flicked…
6. When did we all collectively decided to forgive Brad Pitt? And Chris Brown?? And Kobe Bryant?
7. Does no one else realize that Johnny Depp is just reprising Jack Sparrow over and over and over?
8. What the heck does “perm press” even mean?
9. How can Satan be both Kristen from Vanderpump Rules and Brandi from RHOBH?
10. Was that me inside the Left Shark?
I will accept any and all responses to these earth-shatering conundrums. Be sure to send your responses via @OohBotherBlog.