I’m almost thirty years old (T-minus 223 days to be exact) and by now, I sort of thought I’d be done freaking out about bumps in the night. Or at least be able to make it to the baby’s room at 3 am without breaking into a little trot. But no matter how old I get, no matter how mature I try to trick people into thinking I am, there are a few fears that I know for sure, I will never outgrow.
1. Law & Order: SVU
Oh, Benson and Stabler – you get me every. single. time. I don’t know who the good people at the USA Network think they are putting SVU marathons on during the afternoon – when the bright sunshine melts away all of my unbalanced fears. Do they not understand that I can’t say no to a cold open featuring a bloodied hooker stumbling into the precinct babbling about a sexually based offense, which, of course we all know are considered especially heinous?
In the middle of the night last night I was sitting up in Archie’s room, having an awake nightmare about the episode I watched earlier that afternoon, which featured a mentally deranged Robin Williams tricking people into committing terrible crimes using his trademark impressions. It was like Mrs. Doubtfire gone horribly, horribly wrong.
I have tried to be cool about this, but here it is, the truth – I am scared of dogs. Yes, all dogs. Yes, your dog. No, I’ve never had a bad experience, I just don’t like the way they make a bee-line for my crotch and how my innocent little fingers hang at the exact same level as their many, many sharp teeth.
Sure, I can get used to almost any dog. I’m sure someday my family will even own a little four-legged friend, but right now there is nothing on earth that would possess me to go up to a strange dog in the park and lay my hands on him.
Unless it’s a bulldog. Their wrinkles render them harmless.
3. Small holes
Yes. You read that right. I am terrified by small holes – but more specifically, small holes clustered together. If you know me, this admission should come as no surprise. I cower at the slightest hint of a honeycomb and shiver at the sight of burnt chocolate. In fact, when I was brainstorming about this post with Him, I couldn’t even stomach reading the Buzzfeed article (because that’s a legitimate source, right?) about this phobia.
Oh that’s right, it’s a real thing. Trypophobia is a “…phobia which involves the pathological fear, revulsion and disgust by objects with patterns of holes, such as beehives, ant hills and lotus seed heads…” While my plight has not yet been recognized by the American Academy of Psychiatrists (bunch of fascists…), the research behind this phobia is actually pretty interesting. Once I sifted through all the useless crap on the internet about Trypophobia, I discovered that the leading experts on the subject have theorized that the revulsion people report feeling when seeing images like the one above, trigger a response in the brain similar to one that might be experienced when “visually analyzing flawed organic texture” – like rotten meat or a beehive or poisonous mushrooms. It’s a caveman reflex – and I’m proud to have not evolved enough yet to be rid of it.
I’m also proud I was able to post the above image without proJECTile vomiting all over my keyboard…
So there you have it folks, my top three most embarrassing fears. There are certainly a whole lot more, but I can’t have you knowing that I’m also scared of most bugs, mold, airplane turbulence, secondary drowning and having to pronounce the word “pedagogy” in front of another living human being – because that would be super humiliating.
My final and greatest fear is that you won’t share your top 3 fears with me in the comments section. DON’T PUT ME THROUGH THAT!