A couple of weeks ago, I was driving to my friendly neighborhood in-bulk store to stock up on the basics (diapers, avocados, granola bars and these little microwaveable baggy things of lentil soup that are a fortune at the regular grocery store.) and I noticed, for the first time, that in order to turn into the parking lot, I had to drive directly past a You-Buy-It-We-Store-It kinda joint.

You know, one of those places that will take all the crap that’s too crappy to keep in your house and hold it for you until you’re ready to throw it away.

So as I’m driving by this You-Buy-It-We-Store-It kinda joint and pulling into the parking lot of my friendly neighborhood in-bulk store, I started thinking. When did we all decide we needed so. much. stuff?  I had a vision running on a loop in my head of people buying cart loads of in-bulk items and then just driving them directly over to their storage unit. It was like a scene from Wall-E or something.

Trust me, I am as guilty as the next person. I love stuff. I love a new must-have craze. Oh sure, I’ll deny it at first. Oh, I don’t need something like that! Who has that kind of money to spend? But eventually I’ll give in. Usually in a round-about, backhanded way, like putting it on my Christmas List or graciously accepting someone’s hand-me-downs or something else really sneaky like that. But believe you me, I’ll find some way to get my hands on a shiny new, must-have fad, one way or another.

It’s really kind of revolting. And I’d like for it to stop.

Therefore, in a effort to begin purging the clutter from my life, I’d like to virtually bequeath to you my life’s Top 5 (Totally Unnecessary) Must-Haves…

1. TOMS Shoes

Oh, how the hipster in all of us cried out for a pair of these shoes! “They’re so functional!” we said. “They go with everything!” we said. “They’re a charitable organization!” we said.

Bull.

We all (and by “we all”, I definitely mean me) just wanted to be seen with that little blue and white flag waving from the back of our heels as we sashayed down Main Street, holding a tall, non-fat, no-whip Starbucks white mocha in one hand and over-flowing bag of produce from the farmer’s market in the other.

**This post is in no way intended to bad mouth the good works of the philanthropic folks at TOMS**

2. The complete DVD set…

Now, this is an example of a complete lack of technological foresight on my part. Had I known that every tv show under the sun would be available to stream via my Roku, Playstation, Apple watch, iPhone, Google Glass, banana peel, I certainly would not have invested in the complete DVD sets of the follow programs.

  1. Doctor Quinn Medicine Woman
  2. Roseanne
  3. 90210
  4. Are You Afraid of the Dark
  5. Lost (Did we really think we were going to watch this show more than once???)

3. NanoPets

Know I know what a lot of you are thinking, “Doesn’t she meanTamagotchi?” And no, no I don’t mean Tamagotchi, because I had a NanoPet. A NanoPup, more precisely. A NanoPup that I paged and subsequently BEGGED (and mean BEGGGGGGGGED) my father to buy for me and then killed, when I forgot to bring it to the movies with me 21 days later.

Sorry Dad.

4. A home treadmill

It would be so much easier if I could just run at home! I mean, I would literally run all the time! I will literally run every day, all day, until my legs fall off!

Ha. Hahahahaha. HAHAHAHAHAHAH.

There is a reason for the abundance of treadmills for sale on Craigslist people.

5. Toys

In the last four years of my life, my home has transformed from a cozy little bungalow to the mezzanine level of the Times Square F.A.O Schwarz. (Did any of you know that was the correct spelling of F.A.O. Schwarz? The nerdy speech pathologist in me looked up the phonetic transcription and there is definitely supposed to be a /t/ in there.)

And while I would like to claim that this is not the case, this is definitely not the fault of my children. It is my fault. 100% my fault. Other than some totally age-appropriate begging for Hot Wheels every time cross the Target threshold, my kids don’t really ask for toys. But I buy them, because I am a sucker. And because I think they will be REALLY FUN!!! Usually, the fun lasts for about 5.3 minutes (which is about 24.7 minutes less fun than this cornstarch and water goo created) and then I’m left sitting amidst a pile of plasticy junk – alone, while my kids go try and turn on the bath water.

Here are a few of my toy-based must-haves, soon-to-be available for purchase at Goodwill.

  1. Sorting pegs/blocks/rings (Newsflash Moms! Kids don’t like sorting! Unless by sorting you mean flinging stuff around the living room. Because they do like that.)
  2. Teething toys. Apparently, although they may appear to enjoy gumming everything under the sun, toys appropriate for this task will quickly be lost under the couch.
  3. Remote control cars. These will grant you about 30 seconds of enjoyment, until they drive into a corner and require intense parental intervention.

Whew! I actually feel a little bit better. Hopefully, this will be the motivation I need to actually de-clutter my house and start living like the closet-less people I binge-watch on House Hunters International.

I can dream can’t I?