I love trashy magazines.
You know, the good kind of trashy magazines: UsWeekly, Life&Style, InTouch. The kind of trashy magazines that take care to remind me that celebrities are “just like us”, while simultaneously making my life seem cheap, boring and fat.
Totally worth the $3.95.
Despite all they do to break down my personal sense of worth, one of my favorite features of these rags, are when their editors take a celebrity’s Fendi handbag and dump it out to reveal a cornucopia of expensive beauty products and exactly one pseudo-embarassing item, like a worn out nail file or tube of off-brand lip balm.
(Full disclosure, I just clicked over to Nordstrom.com and did a search for their most expensive purses, because I literally could not think of a classy enough brand for this blog. Cool.)
So in the spirit in channeling my inner Beyonce, I thought I’d take you all on a Magic School Bus ride into my purse, which is actually a diaper bag, to see what we discover. Come along with me, won’t you?
A rumpled up tampon, still (sort of) in the wrapper
We’ve all been there. The roller coaster ride of a post-baby menstrual cycle. Is it coming? Where is it? Am I pregnant? Oh, okay. I got it. Wait, was that it? It would be gross (literally) negligence to take these tampons out of my bag. What if the day comes when I unexpectedly need one of these bad boys? But a Tampax wrapper can only withstand the turbulence of a diaper bag for so long before they begin to disintegrate. That moment is long past, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to throw away a perfectly, well, kind-of-good, tampon!
A smushed granola bar
Kids are hungry. They are hungry all the time. Even when they’re sitting at the table refusing to eat what I’ve prepared – they are hungry. So, in the spirit of that voracious hunger, I try to keep healthy snacks on-hand when we’re out and about – enter the squashed granola bars littered about my bag. Sure, I could throw them out, but what if there’s a freak snowstorm and we’re stuck on the highway for days at a time. Then that obliterated Sunny Days Apple Bar won’t look quite so disgusting, now will it?
A 1/16th full wipes container
Because a full package of wipes would be too freaking heavy to tote around, I try to use at least 30-35 wipes per diaper change upon opening a fresh container. For the subsequent 20 diaper changes, I use, at most, one full wipe. You’d be surprised how much poop you can fit on 20 square inches of wipe… and maybe the tip of a finger or two.
Three damp board books
Sure, it’s excellent to have reading material on hand should an unexpected wait arise, however, there appears to be a universal law of physics that if I put books into the diaper bag, a drink will spill on them and saturate the bottom 1/4 of every single page. Yeah, we can still read our copy of The Very Hungry Caterpillar, but the poor little guy now has to eat apples and oranges on the same day.
Six pennies, two Matchbox cars, one half-melted red crayon, an empty Ziplock bag, two loose Goldfish…
And really, what did you expect? I’m a mom of two little boys, who had to do a Google search to find out what kind of handbags were trending. I’m honestly just impressed that there weren’t any ants.