I’m So Hungry I Could Die: My Top 3 Last Meals

Food is so good.

I don’t even care that it helps keep me alive and allows my body to go through all the necessary metabolic functions. All I care about is getting it on my fork (spoon, fingers, whatever) and into my gullet as fast as humanly possible without offending polite company. If I’m eating alone, all bets are off.

And so are my pants.  Usually.

This isn’t to say that I’m a complete lard-o.  For the most part, I keep my food choices pretty healthy. I do a lot of vegetables, fruits, and whole grains. I don’t eat meat – in fact I went vegan for 5-6 months last year and while it definitely provided me with a smug sense of superiority that I enjoyed, when all was said and done, I wasn’t able to hang with the big dogs.

See for me, it’s not just what I’m eating that makes the eating so enjoyable, it’s how much of it I’m able to consume and how long I’ll be able to enjoy the eating process.  For example, a taco salad will always trump actual tacos because I get to eat the salad longer. I can down a standard soft taco in 2-3 bites max.  Where’s the fun in that?  Nowhere, that’s where.

This is why it’s always so hard for me to pinpoint exactly what I would choose as my last meal.  It really is something that comes up a fair amount, so I like to try and have a response at the ready.  Not because I’m blogging from death row or anything…

This is a short list of options I’ve come up with if I ever were to be presented with a situation in which I was able to choose my last meal.  However, let me be clear.  The best case scenario here would be a combination of ALL these choices, but I realize that this may not be possible depending upon the imminence of my demise.  Actually, the best best case scenario would be not dying, but let’s just play the game, shall we?
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1. Burger King Chicken Sandwich (plain), fries and a Coke.  Extra honey mustard for the fries.  No, not like two packets.  I want at least 6 or 7.

If you grew up in my house, which you probably did not, you would know how profoundly influential this exact meal was to my childhood.  All I’ve been talking about since I got pregnant, like 600 months ago, has been going to BK and replicating this exact meal. See, the reason the Burger King chicken sandwich is so vastly superior to all its fast food competitors is its oblong shape.  This makes it take longer to eat!  It truly is a thing of beauty folks.  Go ahead, feast your eyes and enjoy.

I realize you are probably slightly confused, because not two paragraphs ago I was bragging about not eating meat.  You can eat whatever you want in your fantasies, so back off. Oh, you can also eat whatever you want when your pregnant. So back off some more.

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2. Bertucci’s Pizza and a sh*t TON of rolls.

If you’ve never had the pleasure of biting into a delicious, hot, crunchy-on-the-outside-chewy-on-the-inside Bertucci’s roll, you should consider your life, up until this point,  a complete waste.  A Bertucci’s roll is like a fine piece of art in that it’s equal parts scalding hot and delicious, so you absolutely must burn your mouth on it in order to appreciate its goodness.  Okay, so that actually doesn’t make them anything like fine pieces of art, but they’re just so damn good there’s no other way to describe them.  After I’d feasted on rolls (at least four or fiveI would then move on to any one of Bertucci’s vast array of perfect pizza pies, preferably a Silano or Margherita.  Somehow the master chefs at Bertucci’s have created a way to have thick, doughy end-of-the-pizza crust, while maintaining the integrity and lightness of a thin crust pizza.  It’s magical I tell you.  And no, Bertucci’s did not give me anything to write this review, but I would definitely accept payment in bags of rolls with extra butter packets.

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3. Cheesecake Factory Cheesecake… Adam’s PeanutButter Cup Fudge Ripple, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough & Caramel Pecan Turtle

This meal is for the day that I know I’m going to die, but have like, this unbelievable sweet tooth.  It could happen – and if it does I want to be prepared with a selection of cheesecakes from everybody’s favorite over-sized portions restaurant. There’s not much to this meal, in fact, I’ll probably just slip into a sugar coma afterwards and nod off peacefully, so really it’s a win-win.  Also, did you guys know that The CheeseCake Factory has a low-carb cheesecake?  Who is buying this?  Someone who’s concerned about their calorie intake after they’ve consumed no less than a trough-full of Cajun Chicken Littles? Yuck.

And that’s the short list of last meals that I’ve meticulously narrowed down over the past several years. Hopefully you’ve enjoyed reading it and now, if you’re planning on killing me, at least you’ll know what to bring over for supper.

 

So go ahead, lay em on us! I know you’ve concocted your own top 3 while reading this. We wanna hear all about it!

 

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3 Comments

  1. HI. LARIOUS. The italics under #1 had me rolling. “Back off.” hahaha

  2. Hahaha, love this!!! All of mine consis of ice cream…1. DQ BDAY Cake 2. Chic-Fila Ice Dream Cone 3. Sweet Ce Ces everything!

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