How to Stop Sabotaging Yourself in 3 Simple Steps

You don’t care about anyone but yourself.

And neither do I. Well, to clarify, I don’t care about anyone but myself, not yourself.

This was true at one point, until I learned a few things the hard way.

When I first quit Love and Theft (that’s right, I was once a D-list celebrity), I was in a tailspin. Not because I had done the wrong thing–I hadn’t–but because I was in a vortex of fear. My plans slowly and ever so surely didn’t pan out. I had made a few barely noticeable waves in the industry in Nashville, and I thought I might be able to parlay what I had been doing into a publishing deal. I could keep writing and producing and such to pay the bills and work on a new rock and roll band while I pampered my new wife and brought a tiny, screaming life into the world.

Guess what? WRONG!

As time passed and I lived month after month on savings I had hoped not to burn through (I burned through them), the fear grew, the scrambling panic of lost-ness (not to be confused with Loch Ness) began to cloud my brain with selfishness.

Finally, my brother-in-law, Aaron, sat me down for a little chat.

“You’re selfish,” he said. Okay, not exactly, but sorta. And he was right. That fear had turned me into the grubbiest, most desperate person who was ever unenjoyable to be around. Every person I met, I couldn’t wait to hear how they could help me. “What’s that? Your dad is the president of a publishing company? You don’t say!” or “Why yes, I was in Love and Theft. You’re working with indie rock bands? That’s perfect!” It was disgusting. This full on obsession with myself and my concerns was far from inconspicuous.

Now, Aaron is the personified opposite of that mindset, and he taught me a lot in that one lunch at Belcourt Taps.

He helped me to re-orient myself away from, well, myself. Here’s what I learned:

1. First, I had to see other people as the same as me. These people are hungry to achieve, they are passionate about something, they are afraid of something. They have family they love, enemies they misunderstand, failures they regret, the whole nine. My desires, my life, is not more important than theirs, and believing that it is will most assuredly cause me to lose out on valuable and enriching relationships, not to mention opportunities.

2. Next, my first thought had to be replaced with genuine interest in who these people are, what it is they want, and even how I might be able to help them. What a way to approach someone! Tell me, what is more compelling?

“Hi, I’m Brian. Yea I was in a country band and we had one hit, so I promise I’m legit! How might you be able to help me achieve my goals so I don’t go broke or die in anonymity? Please please please? Gimme gimme gimme I neeeed I neeeed!”

OR

“Hi, I’m Brian, great to meet you! What is it you do? What are you hoping to accomplish down the line? Really? I know someone you’ve just got to meet! I’m sure they can help you move toward that goal!”

Aaron is the king of that: helping and connecting people for absolutely no personal gain, because he loves them from the start. In fact, he’s so selfless that if you want to know about Aaron, you’ve got to pry it out of him, he’ll be so busy talking to you about you. Which brings me to this…

3. Lastly, you’ve got to love people. I look at those who have impacted me, writers, artists, teachers, coaches and so on. What enabled them to impact me so effectively? They gave. They gave of themselves, which is love in action.

This should be the basis of all that we do. If someone writes a blog post hoping to get followers and sell advertising and get rich, who wants any part of that? I know I don’t. But if they fell compelled to write something because they genuinely love the people reading it, those who read it will be impacted and their lives will be enriched, and that is exactly the type of material that people want to share.

The interesting reality is that in order to have success in what you’re doing, those ambitions can’t come before everything else. The most effective thing is to genuinely care about others, and that will result in opportunity. Few things will separate you from the herd like genuine selflessness. So let respect for others, interest in others, and genuine love color your interactions, and people will be drawn to you without you having to beg for their attention.

 

We’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic. How has selfishness caused you to miss out? How has selflessness opened up doors for you? Leave us a comment!

Another great peak into this topic is this podcast on abundance thinking versus scarcity thinking.

 

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4 Comments

  1. Awesome blog post! Love it! Perfect sentiment for the new year.

    • Thanks Nicole! I can’t say that I ALWAYS live this out but I try to as best I can! Not always easy, but well worth it!

      • Thank you for sharing this post. I fell into the same trap of selfishness after I sold my first restaurant to start me second which ended in failure. I had my first restaurant 10 years, was the food editor of a local magazine–well you get the drift. It was hard to let go of my brief notoriety. And then when I felt I had lost everything on top of that, I was always looking to see how someone could help me gain back what I had lost.
        I finally had to just let go and start over. And not only that, but allow myself to be of service to others. Life is still hard at times, but it is also much more peaceful for me now. I sometimes feel my selfish side creeping back in when someone says “Hey, your
        restaurant was great. When will you grace us with your culinary talents again?” I just have to step back and say you know I would rather hear about what is going on in your life. Of course, I am only human and sometimes I backslide. I try to surround myself with people who are selfless as much as possible. They help me keep things down to earth.
        Glad to hear your story about this.

        • Lauri, thanks for sharing! It’s certainly easy to be self-centered when you are in need. I think that’s a challenge for everyone. Glad you have found some peace! It’s a daily struggle, no doubt, but it has gotten easier to focus on others and what’s going on in their lives. The irony is, the moment you stop focusing on what you can get from others, that selflessness will start to come back your direction. It’s a strange catch 22.

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