It’s cold and flu season and that can only mean one thing. Every mom in America is set at Health and Wellness Defcon 2; armed and ready for battle with the only weapons we have: Wipes – both Boogie and Lysol. Because when January rolls around and your family has already battled what feels like 416 rounds of Strep, at least 8-days worth of 24-bugs and who knows how many weeks of green snot and intermittent cough there’s nothing we moms won’t do to keep our families out of the pediatricians office, including neurotically googling “How to not stay at home all winter because of germs” as if this simple internet search will be the answer to all our germaphobic woes.
“Oooooooh, we’re supposed to WASH our hands with soap and warm water? Why didn’t somebody tell me!? We’ve been doing this ALL wrong.”
Because I’ve found myself teetering on the edge of pure paranoia every flu season since becoming a mother, I thought it was high time I pass along all the great tips and tricks I’ve accumulated over the years for keeping my family healthy from November to March. I hope you find this list as comprehensive and fool-proof as I have**
Never Use Hand-Sanitizer
I like to think of myself as a pretty peaceful person, but I am a firm believer in murdering germs. Does that make me a cold-hearted killer? Maybe. But do I get a smug satisfaction knowing that 99.99% of all the little cold virus microbes on my hands just got obliterated? Yes, definitely.
That being said, I’ve been told that hand-sanitizer creates super germs that are going to destroy the human race and that if I use it I am basically assisting in the decimation of life on this planet. So I NEVER use hand-sanitizer. Except when I’m working in the church nursery. Or at school. Or right after my kids get off the bus. And sometimes in a public restroom if the sink looks questionable. And definitely if we’re eating out and the kids don’t have time to wash up first. Or basically any time I feel “germy”.
Essential Oils B*tches!
I was cleaning out my closet in October and I stumbled across about 50 empty, essential oil roller balls I had purchased a while back when I was going through a “holistic phase”. When I found them, my reaction could be most accurately be described as embarrassment coupled with an actual, out loud laugh about how ridiculous I was trying to conjure up magical, healing potions to keep my kids healthy.
Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo, am I right?
I maybe just restocked on basically every oil in the world. And also kinda bought a diffuser. And sort signed up for a Facebook class to help me learn how to use them.
Sounds like someone’s been drinking the lavender oil infused Kool-Aid again…
Stay at Home
Okay I know said you weren’t going to have to hibernate until the groundhog says winter is officially kaput, but might I casually suggest steering clear of communicable – sorry, I mean communal locations while there is a flu epidemic running rampant? Now, I’m certainly not saying you and your family need to turn into hermits from November to March, but maybe don’t sign up for that “Practicing CPR on Real People” class at the community center this time around. Perhaps consider skipping the “How to Give a Stranger a Manicure” course you’ve been eyeing.
It’s all about common sense.
But then again, there is something to be said for building up your immune system by exposing it to ALL the germs.
You know what? Scratch that. Go ahead and sign up for whatever you want. And definitely do that CPR thing, because when I go into respiratory distress from this hacking cough I’ve been nursing, I’m definitely going to need to have you around.
**Just to circle back. This list is joke through and through. I have no medical expertise whatsoever and you shouldn’t listen to a word I say. Except the ones I just said.