The five WORST habits

I have so many bad habits.

In 31 years, I have somehow accumulated a list of weird, off-putting, neurotic idiosyncracies that would make even Larry David wince. Some of them are run-of-the-mill, some are too embarrassing to write about and I will never tell you about them – never EVER!

But just for the sake of getting to know each other a little better, I felt I would be remiss not to share some of the “quirkier” bits of my personality with you. And here they are in all of their glory:

I like to clip other peoples’ toe nails

Now before you get too weirded out to continue reading, I don’t mean I run around with a concealed pair of toenail clippers, waiting to strike at the first bare foot to cross my path. What I mean is, when I was a kid, I used to really enjoy the task of clipping my toe nails… and my siblings’ toe nails… and now, my sons’ toe nails. Is that weird? Maybe. Do any of those people suffer from chronic Onychocryptosis? No, they do not.

I say “That’s hilarious.”

When I’m told a story that I acknowledge has some comedic value, but doesn’t actually tickle my funny bone in that special way, I have a terrible habit of saying the phrase, “That’s hilarious.”, instead of laughing. I can hear myself doing it and 100% of the time, it makes me feel like a Kardashian. Maybe you’ve noticed this about me. I hope you haven’t, but if you have, maybe it’s less about me and more about you telling funnier stories…

I require TV-induced slumber

I didn’t have a tv in my room growing up, so once I became an adult and I was allowed this special privilege in my own home, I was sure as heck not going to let it go to waste. Netflix ALL DAY! Well, more like all night, really. And yet somehow, my simple act of trying to appreciate the gift of television in my boudoir metastasized into needing its subtle glow to be able to fall asleep at night. It’s my version of a grown-up night-light. Is that super embarrassing? I think it might be.

I crack everything

From my shoulders down, every joint in my body is fair game. Neck, jaw, back, hips, elbows, fingers, knees, toes. That’s a lot of joints when I see it all written out like that. It’s possible that I should go to a chiropractor, but unless they have a 24/7 open door policy, there is no conceivable way they would be able to satiate my hourly need to hear something “POP”. If you’re interested, I will also be happy to crack your joints. More than happy. And even if you’re not interested, I still might do it.

I peel stuff

I was one of those kids who used to slather her hands in Elmer’s glue, just so I could wait five minutes and slooooowly peel it off like snake skin. However, now that I’m an adult, I need to find other ways to satisfy that urge – mostly because my kids are still too young for Elmer’s and I’m stuck with crummy glue sticks that don’t peel worth a d*mn. I’ve found that nail polish is a decent substitute. Or, when possible, a human sunburn will suffice.

Still interested in maintaining our relationship now that you’ve read all about all the semi-bizarre stuff I do when you’re not looking? If you are, I’d love to know if you have any strange habits you’re keeping around for the long haul. Maybe you’ve even got one that I’d like to adopt as my own!