Today we bought a nebulizer.
Because the boys are sick and Archie is wheezing again and the doctor though it might be a good idea for us to have one on hand to help head off these coughs before they turn ugly.
And I am okay.
…Which might sound like a funny thing to say considering I am not the one with yellow snot dripping down my lips, but usually, this sort of grand medical gesture would send me spiraling out of control. I’m talking weeping, projecting nonsensical negative thoughts into the future, stress eating candy corn and most certainly calling my mom in a furious panic. Brian would do his best (which is pretty damn good) to rationalize with me, pray with me, remind me that in my heart of hearts, I know that the boys are both going to be okay – and after a while (and a long hot shower), I would come back to reality.
But today I am okay. Today I brought home a brand new nebulizer in a handy, little canvas tote bag, set it on the counter and set about making lunch. I helped the boys not stab each other in the eyes with their paint brushes. I loaded the dishwasher. And I did not look at that nebulizer once. I’ll use it when it’s time, but until then, it will stay inside the canvas bag and out of my mind.
This isn’t a change that happened all on its own. In my 30 years, I’ve read dozens of books, cried on countless shoulders, taken varying levels of medication and sat through many-a-therapy session. I’m a naturally anxious person and I’ve recently come to realize that I can either live with that or succumb to it. I choose the former.
Sure, I will stumble again. I will wake up in the middle of the night to Archie’s cough, get that sinking feeling in my stomach and start to spiral. But I will remember this moment. The moment when I was sitting on the couch feeling thankful for being present and peaceful. When I worry, I will ask myself, “Is this useful?” I will pray. And I will move forward.
My little boys will get sick. They will get in trouble at school. They will fall downs and they will stumble. But they are resilient and hopefully now, so is their mama.
I was inspired to share this story after I read a great post on the fabulous blog, The Hodgepodge Darling. In her post “This Little Life of Mine”, Jessica writes about how important it is to share our journeys with each other – and not just those Instagram-worthy moments. The moments that we’ve hoped for, prayed about, dreaded – all of it. Because little unpopped kernels of our stories, may explode and inspire someone else!