5 Things That Are Still Things But Shouldn’t Be Things Anymore

It seems we’ve let certain atrocities persist un-contested in our country for too long. As Americans, it’s time we take a stand! There are some things should have gone the way of MySpace a decade ago. How has no one done anything? Just as a few examples (Lord knows these are the tip of the iceberg), here are 5 things that are still things but shouldn’t be things any more.

1. Survivor- Are you SERIOUS?? Twenty-seven seasons. Haven’t we watched half naked people conjure up drama and starve themselves and stab each other in the back enough? (I guess this one could really just be about reality television at large, but I know that’s wishful thinking.) Now we’re not even watching new contestants, they’re just recycling the old ones as if these people are actual celebrities. Well guess what? They’re not. They’re just people who were on a reality show one time. One time. Wait, wait, wait, I have to know if this guy is gonna be able to get ten coconuts into the hoolahoop while running across the beach wearing diving flippers and a native onion as a hat.

2. Nickelback- Haven’t we heard their song like sixty times now? Hold on, you’re telling me they’ve actually been releasing a different song every time? No, no, it couldn’t be. And you can’t tell me that is Chad Kroeger’s real voice, either. Does the guy gargle sand? I’ll be surprised if he hasn’t caused major long term damage to his vocal chords by now. Lord knows he’s wreaked havoc on my ears.

3. Two and a Half Men- When Charlie Sheen was on the show, it was already terrible, low-brow, least-common-denominator, bad-punch-line comedy, and it should have ended. But then, Charlie left, which was the perfect opportunity for it to FINALLY END! But the suits just wouldn’t take the bait, and they brought in Ashton Kutcher because they couldn’t let the dynasty die. The frustrating thing is that until that decision, I really liked Ashton. But now, the show has turned into terrible, low-brow, least-common-denominator, bad-punch-line….. you get it. Blech!

4. Scientology- Didn’t South Park already clear this up for us? Without getting too much into the whole aliens and Tom Cruise area, let’s just ponder the fact that everyone seems to know this is a huge crock of greed and fraud, and yet they still seem to be gaining members. What? I have literally never met anyone in person who doesn’t laugh at the absurdity of this “religion.” What am I missing? I know, maybe I’ll stroll on down and jump on the ole E-Meter so someone can tell me what’s up with my thetan.

5. American Idol- As a musician, of course, I’m snobby and indignant toward this show. As a consumer however, well, I’m snobby and indignant! Painfully repetitive re-hashing of the same poorly-scripted drama, year after year, flooding our ears and our tubes with mediocre music made by people who just can’t stand the thought of–oh, I don’t know–WORKING FOR IT? I’m not sure what’s more depressing, the blatant mean-spiritedness of the judges and the watching public, or the disillusionment that is apparently RAMPANT in our country.

People of America, we can take control of these things. Stop watching godawful shows and listening to sub-mediocre music. Demand more! Stand up for your rights! Now please excuse me while I go watch Duck Dynasty. America!



Now we wanna know what you think. What thing is still a thing and you know that it shouldn’t be a thing any more? Don’t hold back! (Unless, of course, your answer is OohBother, cause that would just be flat out mean.)


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