Sometimes I feel moved to write a serious blog post. Something that will (hopefully) make my readers think outside of themselves. Like a moving piece about the unrest in Ferguson, Missouri or a diatribe against the processed food industry or a soliloquy on the good works of Pope Francis.
**insert thumbs down and loud fart sound**
Not today. Today I am tired. Today, I realized that I was way over-due for a new post and when I finally admitted to myself that I should sit down and I write, all I could think of was, “That sounds like the worst.”
How often do those two words cross my lips?
Traffic? The worst. Hunger? The worst. Laundry? The worst.
Listen, I know those things are not actually the worst, but for some reason doling out that designation soomehow make me feel a little more in control in uncontrollable situations. It’s like Prozac, but instead of being a serotonin reuptake inhibitor – it’s words.
So let’s play a little game. I’m going to list some scenarios and after you read each one, I want you to yell, “The WORST!” Now, at first it might feel a little silly, but I promise, after you get rolling, it will start to get really fun. If nothing else, you will at least start to feel like a superior human being, because you’ve somehow figured out how to rise above all these trite, daily annoyances.
But if that is the case, I’d like you to navigate your browser away from my blog. Now, please.
And so we begin…
1. After finally conceding that, yes, your leg hair actually is getting long enough to braid and attach tiny, little pastel beads at the ends, you reach for your (last) razor on the soap dish and… it’s rusty.
Say it with me… “The WORST!” Okay, yeah, now you’re cookin’.
2. When you get really sassy and decide to blow-dry your bangs, but by noon they’re greasy and all split apart (you bangs-wearing gals know what I’m talking about), but you didn’t have the foresight to bring along any bobby pins. Now people are going to think you’re okay with your hair looking like this, but you’re not. You’re NOT! You don’t have any other options! There are no round brushes at work! NO ROUND BRUSHES!
3. When the washing machine doesn’t spin all the water out of your clothes. What are you doing washing machine? Ring that shit out! If I put my bed sheets on “hand wash” I expect them to be gently washed and ready when you alert me with your tri-tone alarm. What I do not expect, is to open the lid and find a giant sheet puddle, lurking at the bottom of your basin. Get it together washing machine; the dryer cannot do this alone.
4. Listening to people talk about their fantasy sports team/March Madness bracket. And all the women said? “AMEN!”
5. When you request to leave a group text, but you don’t get released. “But I pushed the ‘Leave this conversation’ button! you say. “I even hit, ‘Do Not Disturb’.” you say. No matter. You will be in this group text until your funeral.
6. When you’re cozy in bed, yet your feet are both cold and sweaty, at the same time. Fuzzy slipper socks are too hot, regular cotton ankle socks are too cold, but plain old bare feet equals Sweatsville. Sometimes I just lay awake wishing for hooves.
7. When you’re 12-month-old wakes up at 3:45am and stays awake until… well no, that’s misleading. When you’re 12-month-old wakes up at 3:45am and stays awake. That’s it. He just stays awake. And so do you. Forever.
8. When you finally have a few minutes to yourself and you can’t decide between a) finishing up a blog, b) cleaning out your closet or c) tiding up the kitchen. So you choose secret option d) Fighing off pangs of sloth-induced guilt while plopping on the couch and watching several episodes of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt… and wondering if a quiet life in a bunker with three girlfriends would really be all that bad.
9. When you get home from work and all your sweatpants and/or leggings are in the hamper and you have to put on jeans. JEANS! I’m sorry, but what sadistic freak thought up jeans and then dubbed them the thing we were all supposed to wear to be casual? My 3rd grade self had it right all along. Sweatpants all day son. ALL. DAY.
10. When you accidentally eat 14 York Peppermint Patties in one sitting. Yes, I said 14. Their minty freshness just sneaks up on you and before you know it, you’re in a pile of silver wrappers, with chocolate under your fingernails, trying to devise a plan to get to the trash can without anyone discovering your gluttony.
Now, by no means is this list comprehensive, but I didn’t want to overwhelm you with too much in one sitting. If you have any of your own “The WORSTs!”, leave them in comments or share them with us @oohbother – or just, like, text them to me, because if you’re reading this – we probably know each other.